I’m so irritated with everything that I don’t know where to
start or if I even want to waste the time to write about it. I guess I shouldn’t say everything, but
certain people who still feel the need to make assumptions about my life and
the way I live it. Should I be flattered
that these people think about me that much?
It’s getting to the point where I wish they would just forget who I
am. I know that sounds harsh, but all
they do is hurt me over and over again.
It doesn’t matter what I say or what I do. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to
justify my actions so here it is one last time.
I have two chronic illnesses that were diagnosed by real
doctors with real medical degrees. I
didn’t ask to be born this way. I didn’t
wake up one day and decide that my dreams didn’t matter to me anymore. I can’t explain all the things I have to go
through day after day in a way that would make you understand, because it’s
just complicated and confusing. Just
know that I’m in pain every day all day.
I haven’t had a day without pain since I was 9 years old. Sometimes the pain is tolerable and I can
function to a point of what I’ve learned is normal. This isn’t your normal…it’s my normal. On these days that I call good days, I can
get up and get dressed in something other than my pajamas, do my hair and
makeup, do my laundry, I can work, I can clean the house…I can just be me. I never know when I will have these days and
sometimes I don’t even get a whole day.
I cherish every moment I have with minimal pain so on these days if you
see me laughing and being active don’t assume that all the other days I’m
faking being sick and don’t assume that I’m better. I’m happy because for that moment I can mentally
and physically tolerate the level of pain I’m in.
Some days the pain is so bad I question my ability to keep
fighting. If you think I’m exaggerating
then you’ve never taken the time to truly get to know me. Months before my diagnosis I prayed to die and
I cried all night long. I knew I was
sick, but no one believed me. I was alone and I was scared and the pain was
causing me to have the most horrible nightmares. I was physically and mentally broken. I thought things would change after my
diagnoses and in some ways they did, but there are still those skeptics who don’t
believe Fibromyalgia is real. Seriously,
would it be in medical journals if it wasn't?
I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist with 30 years of experience and
another Rheumatologist who was fresh out of school. I didn't walk in there and say I have pain so
they said oh it must be Fibromyalgia because your blood work is normal. They
put me through absolute hell. They bent
or pressed on my entire body from head to toe. I could barely walk when I left
there and I ended up losing my voice before the day was over because I was
mentally and physically exhausted and the pain was horrible.
I’m getting tired and I’m just tired of going on and on
about this again. The bottom line is
that I’m sick and I can’t do the things you do or the things you think I should
do. I’m still learning to cope so I
would appreciate it if you could just back off and let me find my way because I’m
the only one who knows what it feels like to be me. I’m the only one who knows what I’m capable
or incapable of. The greatest blessing I’ve
received since my diagnosis was meeting all of you who have Fibromyalgia too,
because you all know what it feels like.
You cry at night for the same reasons I do and I find a lot of comfort
in that. I’m not alone and that gives me
the strength to keep fighting.
I hope everyone is okay today. *Gentle Hugs and Lots of
Love*
