Pain Dreams

Does anyone have pain dreams?  Mine started about 6 years ago.  Lately they have become more like wicked nightmares.  When I wake up whatever was hurting or got hurt in the dream is actually hurting.  I’ve found a few things about it, but there isn’t a lot of information about it.  

I’ve also had what others describe as hallucination dreams.  They say that dreams become more like hallucinations because of the issues we have with REM sleep.  There have been several occasions where I can’t remember if I did something or if I dreamed it.  It drives me crazy.

I just want to know if this is a normal thing with Fibromyalgia or if it’s something totally nonrelated.  So if anyone knows or has experienced either kind of dream feel free to share.

I hope all is well in everyone’s world. *Gentle Hugs and Lots of Love*

Get to Know Me or Forget Who I Am

I’m so irritated with everything that I don’t know where to start or if I even want to waste the time to write about it.  I guess I shouldn’t say everything, but certain people who still feel the need to make assumptions about my life and the way I live it.  Should I be flattered that these people think about me that much?  It’s getting to the point where I wish they would just forget who I am.  I know that sounds harsh, but all they do is hurt me over and over again.  It doesn’t matter what I say or what I do.  I don’t have the energy to keep trying to justify my actions so here it is one last time.

I have two chronic illnesses that were diagnosed by real doctors with real medical degrees.  I didn’t ask to be born this way.  I didn’t wake up one day and decide that my dreams didn’t matter to me anymore.  I can’t explain all the things I have to go through day after day in a way that would make you understand, because it’s just complicated and confusing.  Just know that I’m in pain every day all day.  I haven’t had a day without pain since I was 9 years old.  Sometimes the pain is tolerable and I can function to a point of what I’ve learned is normal.  This isn’t your normal…it’s my normal.  On these days that I call good days, I can get up and get dressed in something other than my pajamas, do my hair and makeup, do my laundry, I can work, I can clean the house…I can just be me.  I never know when I will have these days and sometimes I don’t even get a whole day.  I cherish every moment I have with minimal pain so on these days if you see me laughing and being active don’t assume that all the other days I’m faking being sick and don’t assume that I’m better.  I’m happy because for that moment I can mentally and physically tolerate the level of pain I’m in.

Some days the pain is so bad I question my ability to keep fighting.  If you think I’m exaggerating then you’ve never taken the time to truly get to know me.  Months before my diagnosis I prayed to die and I cried all night long.  I knew I was sick, but no one believed me. I was alone and I was scared and the pain was causing me to have the most horrible nightmares.  I was physically and mentally broken.  I thought things would change after my diagnoses and in some ways they did, but there are still those skeptics who don’t believe Fibromyalgia is real.  Seriously, would it be in medical journals if it wasn't?  I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist with 30 years of experience and another Rheumatologist who was fresh out of school.  I didn't walk in there and say I have pain so they said oh it must be Fibromyalgia because your blood work is normal. They put me through absolute hell.  They bent or pressed on my entire body from head to toe. I could barely walk when I left there and I ended up losing my voice before the day was over because I was mentally and physically exhausted and the pain was horrible.

I’m getting tired and I’m just tired of going on and on about this again.  The bottom line is that I’m sick and I can’t do the things you do or the things you think I should do.  I’m still learning to cope so I would appreciate it if you could just back off and let me find my way because I’m the only one who knows what it feels like to be me.  I’m the only one who knows what I’m capable or incapable of.  The greatest blessing I’ve received since my diagnosis was meeting all of you who have Fibromyalgia too, because you all know what it feels like.  You cry at night for the same reasons I do and I find a lot of comfort in that.  I’m not alone and that gives me the strength to keep fighting.

I hope everyone is okay today. *Gentle Hugs and Lots of Love*

Super Bad Day

It's been one of those days again. My blood pressure has been low all day. I'm used to it being high all the time so it has me a little concerned. I thought that I felt bad whenever it was high, but in my opinion it's worse when it's low. I've been dizzy and abnormally tired. Oh and extremely cranky. I'm just not in the mood to deal with BS these days. I've been in a pretty bad flare so that's probably why I feel like I'm having a total malfunction. It doesn't help that the Polycystic Ovary syndrome isn't cooperating either. If I decide to run naked and screaming down the road will someone come bail me out of jail? Hey it's just a thought.

Anyways I hope all is well with everyone. I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. *Gentle Hugs and Lots of Love*

I Can't Always Be Strong

A couple days ago I was in a really bad place.  It's been a while actually since I had the thoughts that I did that day.  We all know how it feels when the pain is hurting way too much and for way too long.  It changes us.  It changes the way we think and the way we act.  It changes everything.  When I was in a dark place that day I wrote this.  It's not the way I feel all the time, but I can't always be strong.

It’s so hard to keep fighting when it all seems to be in vain.  My body’s broken and feels as if it’s already been slain.  Why am I still here, trapped behind this slamming door?  There’s nothing left for me to do here anymore.  I just want to run away.  I have to run away from the pain, but no matter how hard I try it follows me everywhere.  I feel there’s nothing more for me to gain.  It won’t be long before I go insane. This monster exists in my reality and follows me into my dreams. All I ask for is a moment of peace, but I know that I’ll never know what it feels like to feel no pain.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to be free.  I wish I could remember what it felt like just to be me.  The pain is relentless…I live it, breathe it and dream it. I’m trapped in a broken body-a prisoner, with no hope of release.

This might eventually turn into something a little more put together.  This is just an extreme rough draft of my thoughts and feelings.  I hope everyone is having a good day despite the pain. *Gentle Hugs*

My Journey with Fibromyalgia

This is my journey and no one else’s.  Those who choose to walk beside me, I will embrace.  Those who try to dictate my life, I will discard.  No one fully understands what my life has become and most will never care enough to find out.  No one knows my story because I’ve never told it. I’ve never told it because no one has ever asked to hear it.

I’ve had the symptoms of an invisible illness since I was ten years old.  It sounds kind of silly, but it’s true.  You can look at me and it appears that nothing is wrong.  I appear to be a healthy woman with a few extra pounds.  There is no way for you to imagine the degree of pain I’m in every minute of every day.  I laugh, I joke and for the most part I’m happy, but all the while this invisible illness is raging on inside of me.

On a really bad there are visible signs, but chances are you won’t notice unless you pay very close attention.  On these days I walk a lot slower, I can’t bend over and most likely I won’t have the energy to take a shower.  Some will notice this and assume I’m just being lazy.  They have no idea what it feels like to wake up in the morning feeling more exhausted than the night before.

My eyes are blood shot, my vision is blurred and my words are slurred.  Instead of asking, most assume I’m drunk or high, but I’m just in a flare and the symptoms of my invisible illness are ten times worse than they usually are.  I thought it couldn’t get any worse than this, but I was so wrong because it was after this point that I lost abilities that made me who I wanted to be. Read More...

Good Morning! Is it Really? Ummm Sure Why Not?!

I just woke up and I’m laying here because my knees hurt so bad that I’m scared to get up.  I hate mornings like this.  I never know if my legs are going to be strong enough to keep me from falling.  I never know if they’re going to work like they’re supposed to.  I just never know and that’s enough to drive me completely crazy if I let it.  I can’t count the times that I’ve sat on the side of the bed praying for enough strength to be able to make it to the bathroom and I can’t count the times that I’ve gotten up only to fall right back down and I also can’t count the times that I’ve gotten dizzy and ran straight into the wall.

Living with any chronic illness is full of so many uncertainties, frustration and confusion.  The only way I’ve learned to cope with all of this is to laugh at it.  Laughing feels so much better than crying and it’s not that I don’t take being sick seriously, because you have to.  It’s just that if I spend every day worrying about what’s going to happen to me, or crying because I couldn’t function the way I needed to I would be a totally miserable person and that’s just not me.  How can I successfully survive this illness if I lose who I am in the process?  I can’t.

Everyone deals with being sick in their own ways and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they are successfully dealing with it.  Our lives may look insufficient to you, but we’re happy just to be alive.  Anything we’re able to do past that is a bonus.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day. *Gentle Hugs*

Those Who Don't Believe...

I have Fibromyalgia.  Of course that’s no surprise to those of you who actually read my insane ramblings, but to some members of my family it’s the biggest joke they have ever heard.  They seem to think that I’m just a depressed, lazy chick who is scared of the world and if I would just push myself then I would magically be cured.  Now why didn’t I think of that?  I’ve had chronic pain and a whole host of other symptoms since I was 10 and to think it can all be cured by just pushing myself a little harder.

If this sounds angry, I apologize because I try really hard not to let these kind of things get to me, but sometimes I just need to let things out so that I can let them go.  Those people who don’t think Fibromyalgia is real or those that think it’s not that bad are just ignorant.  I know that’s a harsh word, but damn our battle is hard enough without having to hear this retarded crap all the time.

The thing I hate the most is being called lazy.  Like I’ve said before in other posts, I wish I was lazy because then I wouldn’t care when I have to refrain from a “normal” life.  I could be happy sitting on my ass all day.  I hate that I can’t work a regular job.  I hate that I can’t hang out with my friends near as much as I used to and I hate that when I do I have to worry about how long I’m going to be gone, if I’m wearing comfortable clothes and which meds I need to take with me.  I hate the days I can’t drive.  I hate barely having enough energy to dress myself after I take a shower.  I hate being sick, but most of all I hate being ridiculed because I’m sick.

No one chooses to be sick and no one chooses to give up a life that they were perfectly happy with in return for a lifetime of pain, extreme fatigue, nausea, lack of sleep, sensitivities to everything, muscle spasms and the list goes on and on.

Someday the world is going to know what Fibromyalgia is and how bad it is, but the relationships with some people in my life will be too damaged to repair.  If they can’t support me now, then I won’t want their support when they finally get the proof they need.

I’m a fighter and I’m a survivor and it’s because I do have people in my life who understand that I’m sick and support me a 100%.  I’m so thankful for them, because if it wasn’t for them and my faith I wouldn’t be here.  I would have given up before I even got my diagnosis.  I’m glad I didn’t give up, because I still have a lot of life to live even though it’s not the life some people think I should be living.

That’s just my thought for the night.  Hope everyone is as pain-free as possible.