Living with Limitations

I didn’t do everything I wanted to do today, but I did do something.  I’ve learned to let go of the disappointment in myself when I can’t do everything and appreciate that I was able to get out of bed and do something no matter how small.  People may look at me on days like this and assume I’m lazy, but because I know what I have to live with every day, I know that this is one more day that I didn’t give up and that’s all that matters to me. 

Learning to live with limitations is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I don’t feel that I’ll ever fully accept it, but I’m trying.  I still have days I feel sorry for myself and then I get mad at myself for feeling that way.  I still have days I cry because I don’t remember what it feels like to not be sick and I still have days I just want to hide from the world.  Despite those days I keep on keeping on.  That’s all any of us can do…Keep living and keep fighting.

The pain is really bad right now so I’m going to go cuddle with my heating pad.  I hope everyone is having a good day/night. Gentle hugs and lots of love. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I’m thankful for many things, even Fibromyalgia on most days, but not so much tonight.  The pain is keeping me awake again and I’m highly frustrated.  The last two months have been filled with back to back flares and my patience is wearing thin.  I just need a couple of good days so I can regroup and strategize my next move.  Yes this means war.  I’m tired and I’m cranky and if this monster doesn’t calm it’s ass down then I’m bringing out the big guns.  I’m not exactly sure what that is yet, but I’ll figure it out.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night and thank you for reading my random and insane thoughts.  Gentle hugs and lots of love J. 

Get Up and Fight or Let the Illness Win

The last few days have been a little on the difficult side. The pain has been absolutely insane and I haven’t been able to sleep very well. When I do finally sleep I have the wonderful pain dreams so as always I’m reminded that there is no escape.

I actually woke up today in a good mood, but there’s only so much pain you can handle before your nerves wear thin and the bad mood sets in. I’m so frustrated right now, because I can’t get comfortable and I have so much writing to catch up on and no energy or brain power.

I love the days when for a split second I’m able to forget that I’m sick. There’s just that moment that I’m doing something and I feel normal. It doesn't happen very often, but it’s the little things like that, that gives me the strength to keep on keeping on.

Everyone seems to think that if we don’t think about being sick, then we will be just fine and we’ll be able to work full-time, keep the house spotless and enjoy our favorite hobbies. They must live in the same fantasy world that the Lyrica commercials come from. I wish every damn day that it could be like that, but that’s just not how it is in the land of the chronically ill. I used to just shrug it off when someone would say stuff like that, but then the anger took over. Now I tell them to go slam their hand in a car door and see if they can ignore the pain.

Yes I tend to get a little on the bitchy side sometime, but if I don't stand up for myself then how can I expect anyone else to. Having a chronic illness is a battle and if we don't get up and fight every day then the illness is going to win. I refuse to let that happen.

I hope everyone is having a good day/night. Gentle hugs and lots of love.

Sleep Deprived and in Pain...What's New?!

The pain woke me up, which I figured it would because I was highly uncomfortable when I went to bed.  I’m surprised I fell asleep in the first place.  At least I got about a 2 hour nap. Hopefully I’ll have time for another nap before it’s time to start my day.  It seems this always happens when I have a lot to do the next day, or maybe this is just when I really notice it.

It’s hard living a life that is centered around Fibromyalgia.  Making plans is impossible and you never know when you’re going to get enough sleep to be able to function somewhat normal.  This goes for all chronic illnesses.  The illness has to come first no matter what.  The moment you try to push it aside is the moment it’s going to run you right over and there goes everything.  Healthy people don’t understand that at all.

This is just what’s on my mind at 4:30 in the morning.  I’m going to be so thrilled to go to work today, not to mention the hundred errands I have to run.  Oh well I have to keep on keeping on.  I don’t have any other choice, besides death and I’m not ready for that yet.  I’m way too stubborn to give up.  I won’t let this monster win.

I hope everyone is doing as well as possible.  Gentle hugs and lots of love.

I Hate Fibromyalgia Today!

It’s been one of those days that I despise being sick.  I accept being sick, but on days like today I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream f**k Fibromyalgia and all its little friends.  I slept okay I guess, but I woke up extremely grumpy.  As I began the process of taking all my morning meds that feeling of hatred hit me.  I hate taking all this medication that seems to make me more sick than anything else.  I hate waking up and being more tired than I was the night before.  I hate getting out of bed and having to prepare myself because there’s a 50% chance that I’m going to fall. I hate that it’s Friday night and I’m stuck at home because I’m hurting too bad to go out. I just hate everything about it sometimes and I hate that I have to despise something so bad.

Well tomorrow is a new day and I’m hoping for the best.  Hope everyone is happy. Gentle hugs and lots of love.

Horrible Night

These words, excruciating pain, heartbreak, fear, hopeless and helpless, and a few more explicit ones can be used to describe the night I had last night.  I’ve been sick for a long time and last night was the first time in a very long time that I had new pain.   Since it was a new, extremely intense pain I couldn’t relax so that caused me to have really bad muscle spasms, which made the pain worse and all this basically made me totally flip out.  I had a few anxiety attacks and my blood pressure got extremely high.  I really should have went to the emergency room, but by the time it got really bad I was so miserable and pissed off that I was afraid I would tell off or beat up a doctor or nurse before it was all over.

Anyways the point of this story is that even though I wanted to die last night, I survived.  I’m stronger now and hopefully I won’t have to test out my new found strength tonight.  I just want to sleep!  If any of you have any tips for getting through really bad pain nights/days please share them.  I rely mainly on music and various distractions like my really sweet boyfriend who always tries to talk me through it…sometimes nothing seems to help though.

I hope everyone is having a good day/night.  Gentle hugs and lots of love!

Always Strong Enough

Just when I think I'm not strong enough to get through the pain it seems like more strength comes out of nowhere. All I can say is that I'm truly blessed like that because nothing else can explain it. It's been over 2 years since this excruciating pain has knocked me to my knees over and over again. I had pain before and I still have that pain but it's nothing compared to this pain that hits me at the worst times ever. I've said it before and I feel it's worth saying again...I never understood why those with illnesses like Fibromyalgia chose to give up. I do now and that's the scariest realization I've ever had. If you are newly diagnosed with an illness like Fibro or if your symptoms have just started prepare yourself now because it will get worse. Save your strength, reduce your stress as much as possible and build a support system now because you might think your strong enough to handle it but when the really bad pain hits it changes you and it changes the way you think. Fibromyalgia as a whole changes you, and no matter how hard it gets I still believe it's for the best.

I hope everyone is having a good day/night. Gentle hugs and lots of love!