Domestic Violence: The Behavioral Traits of an Abuser

Every 9 seconds a woman is abused and every 37.8 seconds a man is abused in the United States. Abusers tend to share certain behavioral traits and those traits should be used as warning signs. An example of this is if your partner is overly jealous and controlling, then there is a high likely-hood of psychological or physical abuse down the road.

Some of the behavioral traits of an abuser are:


They draw you in with their charisma. The beginning of the relationship will be wonderful.  They will give you all the compliments and attention in the world.  They will tell you that you are the best thing that ever happened to them and that they can’t imagine living life without you. They will want an exclusive relationship immediately and will want to marry soon after that.  They want to trap you before they let their true colors show.


They will accuse you of flirting with anyone you cross paths with, even the high school kid that sacks your groceries.  You’ll learn to keep your head down and your mouth shut as an attempt to avoid a fight.  This is usually a sign that they’re the ones cheating.  It’s so easy for them to do it, so it must be that easy for you to do it too.


No matter how hard you try to do everything right, it will always be wrong.  You will never be pretty enough, smart enough and you will never cook or clean well enough to satisfy him.  That includes sex too and most likely they will have others on the side.


They are good at repeatedly apologizing, but they never mean it.  It’s just another ploy to manipulate you into staying in the relationship.  They will say that they’re sorry and tell you how much they love you.  It’s all just meaningless words.  Those words are just tools to keep you right where he wants you.  He will convince you that it will get better and that things will change.  It doesn’t work that way though.  It always happens again. 


They will isolate you from your family and friends so you are forced to be dependent on them.  This gets worse after your family begins to notice the abuse.  The more your family tries to talk you into leaving, the more they will try to turn you against them.  They will blame your family and friends for causing turmoil in the relationship.


They gain power by intimidation.  They won’t hesitate to harm or even kill animals.  Not only will they abuse you, but they will abuse children because they’re easy targets.  They will threaten to kill you. They have evil in their hearts and they will stop at nothing to obtain power and control over you.


Don’t bother trying to get a job or go out with friends, because it isn’t going to happen.  You’re no longer allowed to do what you want to do.  You do what they say you can do or you will face consequences that will break your spirit and possibly a bone or two.  While they’re at work, they will check up on you multiple times a day.  If you are allowed to leave the house they will want to know where you’re going, who you’re with and when you plan to be back.  This will cause a fight 90% of the time.


Manipulation is a skill that they excel at.  They are highly intelligent and are able to get inside your head.  They find all your weak spots and use them to make you feel helpless and dependent on them.  They will tell you that no one else will ever love you and they will bring to the surface, every insecurity you have.


They always play the victim.  They don’t ever do anything wrong and the whole world is out to get them.  They will seek out pity from your family and they will blame you for all the trouble in the relationship.  They won’t take responsibility for anything they have done or said.


The whole world revolves around them.  They’re in charge and you are beneath them.  They get a thrill out of knowing that you “walk on eggshells” trying to please them day after day. 


Drastic mood swings are never-ending.  They can be perfectly happy and content one minute and then go into a full on rage the next.  All it takes is for you to say one wrong word.


They ALWAYS feel someone is out to get them or someone is talking bad about them.  They feel like they were robbed if they can’t find something in the house and they get offended by the most harmless of jokes.

You will trick yourself into believing that you have everything under control.  You desperately want to believe that you can make everything better.  You tell yourself that you just have to look better, be better and do more to satisfy them and everything will be okay.  None of that matters.  They’re behavior has nothing to do with you.  When you’re able to fight your way out, they’ll move on and do it to someone else all over again.  Don’t allow yourself to be a victim.  Be a fighter.  Be a survivor.


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